I am not responsible for the emotions of other people.
The following is a collection of unpacked thinking, overflowing emotion and unbridled complaints. It's primarily for me, but you're welcome to stay.
May 20, 2012
May 19, 2012
Tonight at my friend’s wedding, my wife and I sat at a table with 2 pastors and a minister. My wife and I were at the pastor’s table.
Being at the pastors’ table is a bit of an allegory for my life.
I can identify 12 guys (pastors, ministers, elders or spiritual leaders) who have had an incredible influence on me.
But the truth is, most of these guy I’ve sought out. Mentoring does not happen on accident.
If you want at to be invited to the pastor’s table, most of the time you’ve got to ask.
May 18, 2012
“But if you keep attacking each other like wild animals, you had better watch out or you will destroy yourselves.”
Galatians 5:15
Got stuck on this tonight. Couldn’t get it out of my head.
May 17, 2012
So my wife and I have started talking seriously about kids. (Which I’m sure will make my mother-in-law happy. I’m surprised she hasn’t sabotaged our birth-control yet.)
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, about what it means to be a family and what I want for my family. And I’ve been making a mental list of what I want my family to be known for:
- Taking responsibility for our mistakes
- Doing the right thing - not the easy thing
- generosity & grace
May 16, 2012
“Are you still trying to maintain your integrity? Curse God and die.”
But [he] replied, “You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?”
Nowhere near an easy thing to process.
But much better than our crappy modern catechism: “God works in mysterious ways.”
May 16, 2012
“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.”
Psalm 34:17
Tonight, my wife and I screamed in the car. She screamed as loud as she could. Then I screamed as loud as I could. We screamed and yelled… all of our feelings and fears came out.
I used every swear word I could think of. And my wife swore twice.
But we weren’t screaming at each other. We were screaming about life. We were screaming at life.
We were screaming at injustice. We were screaming at pain. We were screaming at anger. We were screaming at all the crap being flung our way. We were screaming because, no matter how hard we try to do what’s right, it feels like we get one response: splat. splat. splat. splat. splat.
I’m pretty sure I just experienced crying out to God for the first time.
May 14, 2012
Belief is a lot like love.
It can’t be a feeling, because when you need it most you’re feelings are caught up in the mess of life.
So tonight, when things feel so hopeless, I’m going to believe.
That things will get better.
May 13, 2012
These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeowner improvements to your standard of living. They are foundational words, words to build a life on. If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit—but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.
But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don’t work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled in and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards.
So what am I trying to build my life on?
- Matthew 25:31-46: I find God when I enter the pain in another person’s story.
- James 5:16: There is something powerful and important that happens in authentic and transparent relationships, that is vital to my health as a whole human being.
- Romans 8:28: God redeems the ugly, the unfortunate, the unlucky, the painful and the tragedy in my life for my good and my long-term benefit.
- Ephesians 4:28: I need to take what I’m good at, and use it for the benefit of others, instead of just looking out for my own needs.
This is not an exhaustive list, by any means. Just four concepts that I need to penetrate my heart - and I need to see manifested in how I live my life.
Because sometimes I am selfishly ambitious, sometimes I get wrapped up in my own crap, sometimes I don’t let people very far into my life, and I sometimes I hoard my talents to fulfill my own dreams and plans.
May 12, 2012
I don’t always handle conflict very well. It generally makes me uncomfortable.
But I’m learning the art of disagreeing.
I used to avoid disagreeing with others, because I’ve seen a lot of people manifesting their wonderful opinions as large objects with which to bludgeon other people. And I don’t want to be that kind of person.
However, being a pushover is not much better. Because that is a habit that cripples my ability to defend the people I love.
But whether I use my opinions to damage someone, or I roll over and let someone damage me - I’ve learned that it comes from the same place of insecurity and unsteady footing.
By failing to speak up, I avoid rejection but perpetuate an unhealthy cycle. By brandishing my opinions at the expense of others, I temporarily fill my ego at the expense of someone else’s dignity.
But confidence in myself, now that allows me to make a conscious, contextualized decision about whether or not a certain moment requires me to speak up, or whether I should just keep the peace.
I’m finding that confidence is crucial.
May 9, 2012
When you’re a Christian and you get married, everyone wants to give you THE definitive book on marriage. Apparently no one agrees what that is, because my wife and I received several books.
One book in particular I found to be very underwhelming:
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
I found the book to be reductionist and overly-simplistic to the point of condescending stereotypes.
However! there was a single point - an anecdotal suggestion really - that will haunt me forever.
When the woman in your life is angry, hurting, frustrated… and she’s taking it out on you: stand your ground.
As guys, we tend to do one of two things. We either retreat or we advance. (Cheating or abuse, in their extreme forms.)
It’s as if a man’s subconscious processes our whole life through the analogy of war. Every relationship, every project, every moment - advance or retreat.
But standing still and just… taking punishment. Standing our ground. That doesn’t seem to fit into how we operate.
Ok I hear it. “Common, no one operates that way.”
Wait, wait, wait! I’ve seen it. Ladies, good friends, having it out. And then, poof. Hug it out, and it’s over. It’s part of the process. It’s normal.
Not so for us guys. We come at an argument like this:
“Whoa. What? Ok. Wait, are we fighting? Oh ok, yes. Yes, this is an argument. I hate these. How can I turn this into a win? Oh wait, I can’t win? Ok, time to save my own skin. How can I escape this?”
or in the case of the guys who tend to favor advancing…
“Whoa. What? Ok. Wait, are we fighting? Oh ok, yes. Yes! This is an argument. I freaking LOVE these. How can I turn this into a win? Oh wait, I can’t win? Then I’m going to make her think I won.”
All of this to say, I’ve found a third way. It’s really hard. Really, really hard. Earlier I called it “standing out ground.”
But maybe standing your ground is too abstract. So let’s just call it listening. Listening to her heart.
Sometimes her heart hurts. And sometimes you made it hurt. And you have to listen to that. She needs to tell you. And yes, sometimes the volume of her heart gets stuck on high. You’ve still got to listen.
And even though its hard, it’s so much better when you listen. Trust me, because I’ve learned (and sometimes continue to learn) this the hard way.
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