November 2011
20 posts
Today I am reminding myself that I am allowed to fail - and that failing does not identify me as a failure.
Things that trigger my anxiety:
Sharing flaws and failings
People getting to know the real me
The idea of people abandoning me
The idea of people betraying me
Aggressive, older men
Heights
Public speaking
Emails
Phone calls
Dealing with anyone who is overly-aggressive
Going somewhere new
Feeling lost when I’m driving
Feeling like a failure
A messy house
Doing anything on my...
Today I am sick of feelings, so I am going to intellectualize my descent into madness.
False Identity > Incorrect Assumptions > Anxiety > “Evidence” For False Identity
I always thought I had issues with depression, but I’ve been self-analyzing these past couple days and I really think the above cycle is a more articulate description of what tends to happen in my...
I was encouraged to continue this #novemberblogfest journey for now. So here we go:
Today I was overcome by my anxiety about my thesis, about graduating, about the future.
I stayed in bed until lunch time. I avoided my emails, (I mostly avoided my phone). I played video games to pass the time. I drove around town in circles for a while.
I’m furious at myself for wasting so much time.
I...
So I feel like this experiment in documenting my emotions for the month has become a little more than I was ready for.
I feel like what started as documenting my emotions for the day has turned into documenting my descent into madness as my emotional capacity continues to fray under the stress of finishing my grad program.
I’m not 100% sure I feel comfortable sharing all of this online.....
My wife and I were processing through my last post - since it related to the sermon at our church tonight.
My identity hang-ups are related to my insecurity and my perceived need to feel respected and valued by others.
So where do I go from there?
I need to make sure I focus my life around activities and people who affirm my giftings and passions.
And I need to accept that alining my identity...
Today has been rough emotionally.
It’s one of those days where I wish I was someone else, with different giftings and talents.
I spoke in front of about 200 people today. It was short, maybe just a minute. But I was nervous and I was the youngest one speaking.
I got the pity compliments afterwards from people I’ve never met - the ones moms give their kids to be encouraging.
...
Last night my wife an I had a night away. It was very nice, and much needed.
Heather and I are very independent people. We don’t need hours and hours of time to connect, but we do need regular times of connection.
I haven’t been very emotionally available the past few weeks because I have been so stressed. She made me promise before we left that I would not think about projects or...
Where is God in the night sky? Where is God in the city light? Where is God in the earthquake? Where is God in the genocide? Where are you in my broken heart? Everything seems to fall apart Everything feels rusted over Tell me that you’re there I know that there is meaning to it all A little resurrection every time I fall You’ve got your babies, I’ve got my hearses Every...
Missed my posting yesterday, but I make no apologies.
I delivered copies of my thesis to my committee for review, had a really good meeting with some a couple doing really cool work with international students and churches in my city, hung out with my buddy who is moving to San Diego, shared a part of my life with a bunch of young adults at church, went back to hang out with my buddy who is...
I am very hard on myself - I hold myself to extremely high standards & I push myself very hard.
The problem is that sometimes (probably more often than just “sometimes”) I push myself to the breaking point emotionally.
Today I am reminding myself that the world does not need me. If I died tonight, people would be sad for a little while, but life would go on.
It’s not a...
I had a great today: got some work done, cooked some food for some friends & had a great time meeting up with a friend for coffee.
I was feeling energized and upbeat.
Then I got a phone call that totally wrecked me.
It wasn’t a particularly disastrous phone call.. so it’s strange that my emotional reaction was so high.
The call had to do with an event at church that I am...
I’m constantly concerned that what I write/think/feel/experience/am is too negative.
I’ve been obsessing over the tone of my posts so far - continually read-reading everything I’ve posted for #novemberblogfest, trying to make sure the tone of my writing is balanced and not overly negative.
But what is the point of processing my thoughts if I’m too busying trying to censor...
So we knew it was coming - my father-in-law is starting to take a turn for the worse.
And even though we knew it was coming, I still don’t feel ready.
I don’t feel equipped.
I don’t feel like I’m “together” enough yet in my life to be a good supportive husband to my wife during this time.
So I’m trying to recapture what has gotten me through hard times...
I have been privileged to be part of some very awesome teams and groups this past year. It’s been very exciting for me.
I just got done fielding some emails regarding one of the teams I am a part of.
I! am! so! excited!
I love, love, love being part of a group of people working together for good.
I’ve never thought of myself as a helper before, but really I love helping. I love...
I’m afraid to be real. Especially on the internet.
My good friend inadvertently ended his own career when he shared his honest, raw thoughts online.
I’m not brave enough to move past vague for this posting.
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Today my counselor reminded me that I need to practice forgiving myself. I find this difficult to do. And I think this might...
Today I gave myself permission to rest. Yesterday was a very social day, and I needed to recharge.
Today was unusual, because I usually just crash and have a day off because I can’t function anymore. Today I could have functioned (and yes I did cheat and do a few emails this morning) but I chose to put my functions, my projects and my to do list aside.
I caught up on reading, played some...
Processing through my feelings for the day is taking some discipline. I’ve thought twice today about topics I’d like to blog about that have nothing to do with documenting how I am feeling.
Right now I am exhausted. It’s been a long day - worked on projects, meetings and events nonstop from 10 to 10ish. The introvert in me is screaming for a break.
But at the same time I feel...
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It’s sad that I already have feelings to work through at 9:00 AM.
Finally got some good news - looks like my professor liked my thesis and I am actually going to graduate. However, my emotions have not caught up.
I’m just waiting for the next email: “Oh wait, YOUR thesis. Oh I was reading the wrong one. Yours is terrible. You will never graduate.”
It’s such an...
